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The Magnificent King May 7, 2014

Posted by Janjan in Idiocy, Lawyer Jokes Make the World Go Round.
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“When I am king, you will be fetched against the wall…  and your opinion which is of no consequence at all… Watch this!”

– Radiohead, Paranoid Android

 sheldon

Dear People of the Philippines,

I, the Magnificent Atty. Perez, a native-born Filipino, of legal age, single and a resident of Cebu City, Philippines, do hereby move that you abdicate democracy and nominate me as your Supreme Emperor. Let us wake up to the reality that as a society, we are still too immature for democracy. We allow our votes to be bought which leads to all sorts of corruption and inefficiencies in government.

The truth is my dear people, you need a benevolent dictator, and I feel that it is incumbent upon myself, the Magnificent Atty. Perez, to offer my benign tyranny as the answer to your social ills. I already refer to myself in the third person, practicing in front of the mirror, reciting my daily affirmations day after day. “Our Magnificence is brilliant. Our Magnificence is supreme. Our Magnificence needs a new roll of toilet paper. Our Magnificence feels less hemorroidal today. Our Magnificence needs to trim his nose hair.”  Royalty is the next logical step.

I once aspired to be your Vice-president, and throw my support upon someone wiser and more experienced than I, our current Davao City Mayor and potential President of the Philippines, Rodrigo Duterte. But Roddy is not taking my phone calls or accepting my flowers and tokens of love and affection. Just today, I received a temporary restraining order requiring me to keep a 50 meter distance away from Mayor Duterte. I am beginning to suspect that he does not want to be my running mate, which makes me question his wisdom and experience.

It is inevitable, therefore, that you must make me your King. My country needs a Savior and Gat Jose Rizal once said that the youth is the hope of the Fatherland. I am young once and I could still pass for 23 years old. And I still know how to do the interpretative dance for “Children of Yesterday’s Dream”. Hence, logically, I am the most fit to rule you.

I make this offer out of self-sacrifice and humility. I am not thinking about the showbiz deals that ABS-CBN will offer for my life’s story, nor the celebrity endorsements that companies such as Century Tuna, Jollibee and Bench Underwear will surely make my way. Nor am I thinking of the young, nubile and impressionable political interns who will wish to pop out of my birthday cakes to sing me Happy Birthday. No. I wish only to serve and to rule you. I’m just that kind of guy.

I can be tyrannical. I am a litigator, after all. I have made people cry. Usually with laughter, but sometimes, with bitterness and regret. But I can also be compassionate. Why, just today, the waiter extended his hand and asked me for a tip. I told him to try the chicken at Isidra. I’m sure he was basking with gratefulness. As early as now, the Pope is preparing for my beatification. We’re still trying to find a loophole around that two miracle thing. If not, I also have a standing invitation to become a Moslem.

Nevertheless, I must inform you of my sound plans to make you the great nation that Imelda Marcos once declared you will become. Never fear, we shall do this without me purchasing any single shoe.

INFRASTRUCTURE PLANS

1) We need roads. Good roads. Lots of roads. Roads going to all the remote barrios of the country. Roads made of solar panels that could harvest sunlight as well as provide ingress and egress to the ends of the country. Roads so well maintained, we could make a killing holding F-1 races in the Philippines, sponsored by Ferrari, Mclaren and Pasajero Jeepney.

2) We need renewable and clean energy. Lots of it. Think wind turbines, and rotors powered by the waves of the sea. Think using solar panels on our roofs. Think putting a suction tube on Kris Aquino’s mouth to harvest her endless supply of hot air.

3) We need a strong and affordable information super expressway. Let us cut down on bloated profit-sharing bonuses for executives in government-owned and controlled corporations. Let’s use that money to buy fiber-optic cables as thick as my face. Let it crawl into each and every nook and cranny of our country until we are practically emitting wi-fi signals from our banana trees. We will need this to automate our repetitive manual systems and cut government processing times from 48 years to 30 minutes.

4) Schools. Lots of schools. Good schools that cannot be shattered by earthquakes or typhoons or by budget allocations favoring ghost projects. And give the public school teachers absurdly high salaries so that everyone will want to serve the education of all our bright young Filipinos, more than they will want to become caregivers for the senior citizens of all the foreign nations of the world. I want to see more people take the Education Board Exams than the Philippine Bar. God knows we need less shameless lawyers with delusions of grandeur.

5) Hospitals. We need lots of great hospitals. Let no Filipino ever die again because he did not have enough money for the downpayment of his medical bills. And better salaries for our nurses. Let us also find ways to lower the price of our overly-expensive medicines.

EDUCATION PLANS

1) First and foremost, I want to bring arts, music and culture back into our curriculum, not as a backseat subject but as something each child has to do. I believe that a productive and spiritually-sound nation is one whose childhood was spent learning how to play a musical instrument or painting pictures of banana trees using his fingers. A good Filipino is one who can speak a multitude of languages, from his native tongue, to English, to 3 other Filipino languages, some foreign language and a fictional language such as Tengwar, Dothraki and Klingon. If he can ululate and expectorate in Wookie, even better.

2) I will abolish that silly notion of a “Filipino” national language. Let’s call a spade a spade. “Filipino” is nothing more than Tagalog with a smattering of other Filipino languages. Each and every language whether Ilonggo, Tausug, Chavacano or Beckinese IS Filipino. I will bring back dignity in our other tongues.

3) Every Filipino child will learn how to defend himself or herself in hand-to-hand, melee and armed combat. It will be mandatory to train in the military, just like in Israel and Turkey. We know our precarious situation in the world. Everyone has to be ready to fight back. And everyone has to learn how to defend themselves from kung fu, because you know…

4) It will be MANDATORY for every Filipino child to learn how to start their own business. We will no longer promote a servant mindset and encourage each other to become better employees. We will liberate everyone to feel empowered and responsible for their own success.

5) We will promote a culture of cleanliness and clean living. No more throwing litter on the streets and in our ocean. No more farting indescriminately in public elevators.

AGRICULTURE

1) It will be MANDATORY for every Filipino child to learn how to maintain a garden, care for their environment, create fish pens, or raise animals. When the ape apocalypse comes, all Filipinos will learn how to survive and adapt to serve our gorilla overlords.

2) We will modernize our agricultural systems. No more use of carabaos to till the land. No more drying of rice hulls at the sides of the highway. Every Filipino will use modern techniques such as aquaponics and hydroponics to grow crops in their own backyards, and not just online through Farmville.

3) We will instill PRIDE in becoming farmers, soil scientists, agriculturalists, fishermen, and animal husbandrists. Our country will throw State Fairs to promote agricultural and forestry achievements. Students will be made to take psychological exams before deciding to take up Law or when they tell their friends and relatives that they want to become politicians.

If you make me your king, my people, you will all be very happy. We will make this country GREAT again!

Ako po ang Magnificent Atty. Perez, at ako po’y humaharap sa inyo ngayon bilang nagsasariling kandidato para Hari ng Pilipinas. Salamat at mabuhay ka Pilipinas!

 

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