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Iron Man: The Aftermath May 6, 2008

Posted by Janjan in All, Idiocy.
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Despite the darkness set by the burlap sack placed over his head, the man could hear the muttered and guttural voices of what sounded like a Middle Eastern language. The dry arid heat of the surroundings suggested that they have taken him to a desert. Nearby, he could smell the stench of goat and camel droppings, damp molds, and unbathed Arabian men.

It was a strange time to be craving an All-American Cheeseburger.

“Welcome, Mr. Robert Downey Junior,” said his captor in deliberately intoned English, as the burlap sack was finally raised and the captive could finally make sense of his surroundings. The light came rushing into his eyes harshly, causing temporary blindness. Robert struggled against the rope tied on his wrists and legs but it was futile. He can’t get out of the chair.

“Wha– what are you going to do with me? Do you need money? My wife has money, just let me go free…”, the man who used to portray Charlie Chaplin impleaded to the voice who spoke to him, as his eyes finally adjusted to the surroundings. There were five Middle Eastern men with guns, not counting the swarthy leader who spoke to him in deliberate syllabication.

*SLAP!*

“You keep quiet you fatherless son of a motherless goat!,” the leader yelled, as the pain of his bony hand connected with Robert Downey, Jr’s rather bruised jaw. “We do not want your money, we are rich from our stocks in shawarma! We want you to build us the iron soldiers…”

Robert Downey Jr. was incredulous. “Wait… iron soldiers? Do you mean like from Iron Man?? There must be a mistake, that was only a movie–“

*SLAP!*

“Do not think you can trick us, Mister Junior. We saw you build the iron soldiers that could fly, shoot missiles and streams of fire. And do not think we would make the same mistake! We will be watching over you, like the hawks of the endless desert. You will not be left alone in the room. We will not give you free reign over missile warheads. We will not even give you lighter fluid! And you WILL build us our iron soldiers, Mr. Robert Downey Junior.”

The actor slumped to his chair, dejected. His agent was right.

He should have taken the role for Mr. Fantastic instead.

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