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There’s No Such Thing as Bad Publicity June 28, 2007

Posted by Janjan in All, I, Lawyer, Idiocy.
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Woohoo! I have just recently bypassed my 49-hit mark limit!

My WordPress hit-chart-thingy just informed me that as of June 27, 2007 GMT, I have had 49 hits on this blog! Just a few more entries to go and I’ll soon be on my way to becoming the next big thing in blogging! If only I can encourage 48,951 more people to visit my blog, then I will hit the 49,000 mark! Calling all my friends and contacts in both Multiply and Friendster… I need your support!

Looking at my statistics, it seems like my most popular entry is The Necessary Evil, a discussion on why GMA’s administration is supported by Cebu. It has led to a link/mention in Manolo Quezon’s blog, which in turn, has led to a Magnificent Atty. Perez-bashing in politicaljunkie and patsadakarajaw‘s blogs. To my credit (some would say dishonor, but I say that you know you’re on your way to becoming a rockstar when people start hating your guts, isn’t that right Mr. Marilyn Manson?), I’ve even inspired patsadakarajaw to name a doctrine in my (dis?)honor, which he calls the “Qualifiedly Practical Cebuano Doctrine,” which goes:

A cheat and a liar leader who lavish us with gifts and attention is ok as long as there is no alternative.

So to them and to all their readers who wrote commentaries and painted my logic with terms like “non sequitur” and (oooh, this is my favorite), “fallacy of composition,” I say… THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GOD BLESS, AND PLEASE TRY THE FISH!

I tell you, there’s nothing quite like the feeling of being mocked and ridiculed by people you’ve never met. It leaves one with a warm fuzzy feeling deep down the pancreas knowing that people truly care. Huzzah to the constitutional right to free speech! 🙂 Rest assured, I will write more controversial and contrarian political commentaries in the future, perhaps explaining why the First Gentleman Mike Arroyo should be our next Prime Minister, or a discussion on what would happen if we were to clone Antonio Trillanes IV and splice him with the genes of King Leonidas of Sparta. (“This! Is! Madness!”)

No, this is Sparta. 🙂

I would also like to thank the people who searched on “Ryan Agoncillo” and “Judy Ann Santos”, for stumbling to my site and discovering to their horror that I have made both celebrities as my affiants in a Memorandum of Support. So, to add more interesting topics for the bots of Google and Yahoo to stumble upon (and jack up my list of hits and readers), let me just type the following keywords to drive more traffic to my site:

Gretchen Barreto

John Estrada

Sam Milby

Pinoy Big Brother

Aiza Seguerra

Piolo Pascual

La Salle scandal

 

On another note, to all members of the respectable fraternity of my boss, the great Aquila Legis of Ateneo, especially to the lawyers I have dubbed Fifi and Rico Suave… if ever we meet up in court, please don’t beat me up. 😉 To quote Maritess, famed domestic helper of the international organization, the Superfriends: “I’m suri Aquaman! I’m suuuurrrrriii! I was jaz cooking feesh!”

And finally, what better way is there to celebrate the fact that I’m becoming a minor Internet celebrity than to give myself an interview? This one goes out for all the Magnificent’s fans, both young and old, male and female or anything in between.

Ehem, ehem. Are you ready? Here it goes:

Hi there, Magnificent Atty. Perez. For the benefit of stalkers who are are madly in lust with you and for all the rabid anti-GMA oppositionists of the world, could you please identify yourself to us?

Hey there yourself 8) My name is Jan Ralph Y. Perez. I’m a 25 —

*cough cough*

–oh alright, demmit, I’m a 28 year old lawyer living in the qualifiedly practical City of Cebu. I like music, laughing, red wine, long walks under starry moon-lit beaches, and the art of making cheese. I also live to be adored by sycophantic nubile groupies, but I must say, nothing makes my day more than to annoy people with statements like “I think President Arroyo is the next best thing to executing public dissenters without due process of law.”

Someone mentioned in someone else’s blog that he’s seen you being interviewed in ANC. Could you comment on that?

Wow, I WISH that were true. I’m sad to say though, the only time I was on TV was when I was caught on camera during certain news reports in last elections. In ABS-CBN Cebu, my back was shown for 3 seconds and my face was shown for 0.74 seconds during the canvassing of the Bogo elections. Subsequently, I was also caught on camera accompanying Comelec Provincial Chairman Atty. Castillano and the watcher from C-Cimpel as we were bringing the Cebu province ballot boxes to Manila. Finally, people also told me that they saw my face during the national canvassing held at PICC. But interviewed in ANC? No, that hasn’t happened. Not yet. Pero kung pwede, I would love to be interviewed by Kris Aquino and Boy Abunda.

And oh yes, I also was in a local commercial back when I was in high school. It was for McJoy restaurant, and I was eating a cheeseburger. Forgive me for being 16 years late, but I would like to thank Vanessa for my hair and make-up, and the University of San Carlos Boys School for my costume. I’m still waiting for the FAMAS award for my stirring cheeseburger eating performance in that commercial. Perhaps even a product endorsement contract from Bench Underwear, that would be nice.

In your blog entry about jurats and acknowledgments, you mentioned Judy Ann Santos and Ryan Agoncillo. Please tell us, what’s your official relationship with Juday?

We’re just friends. Pinagsama lang kami ni Direk Joey sa shooting, you know, for bonding, ganun. ‘Di naman threatened si Ryan sa friendship namin ni Juday eh, kasama nga kaming tatlo nag-poker kagabi sa Sand Trap, together with my celebrity friends like former BIR Commissioner Buñag, Raya Mananquil, Antonio Java, Elizabeth Ramsey, Ai-ai de las Alas, Tim Yap and Chiz Escudero. Strip poker pa! Si Anton yung pokee!

What’s your favorite color?

Hihihi. Why are you asking that? Basta! It’s the color of my underwear!

So how’s your lovelife now? Who’s your current girlfriend?

My parents said that I’m too young to have a girlfriend, so I’ll just enjoy life to the best that I can. Besides, I’m married to my career. But, shhhh… don’t tell career. Daghan kaayo ko’g kabit!

Ah, okay fine, so you’re accepting positions for the girlfriend position diay. But while we’re on that topic, what’s your motto in life?

It takes blood and guts to look this good!

So, Atty. Perez,–

Uhuurrrrmm. *casts an evil look at the interviewer*

Oh, I’m sorry po. Magnificent Atty. Perez, why are you so pro-administration ba?

A lot of people just don’t get it… I’m NOT pro-administration. I could care less about the administration, just let it do its’ job. I’m anti- anti-administration. Have you seen the anti-administration people who got elected into the Senatorial slate lately? Loren Legarda, Antonio Trillanes IV, Ping Lacson… *shudder* What I find very hypocritical is that these people are accusing the administration of massive cheating and rampant corruption. Eksmyuski noh, pareho ra mong duha! You’re just like Britney Spears calling Paris Hilton a slat and a beetch. You’re just jealous because Paris Hilton has a better looking vajayjay!

So does that mean that you like the President?

Well, her mole is so hot. I would like to see her on the cover of FHM and Maxim. It’s so unfair, why is she only on Time and Newsweek??

We would also like to ask your opinion, Mr. Magnificent, what is the essence of a woman?

I would like to meet Mother Teresa, for inspiring my humanity. World peace!

Are you always this weird?

Sweetheart, I put the “EEK!” in “FREAK!”

Okay, we’re now at our public viewer segment… this was emailed to us by Mia of Iligan City: “Magnificent Atty. Perez, if you could be a supermodel, what will be your superpower?”

Thank you Mia, that’s a very good question, but you see, I’m already a supermodel. If you open the economy-size pack of Trust Condoms (the one in chicken-pork-adobo flavor), take a look at their illustrated guide of how to insert a condom. That’s me!

Besides, I already have a superpower. I have the ability to lower your IQ just by reading my blog!

Next question, a text message from a certain carlolanie: “Who’s cuter? Me or Danikook?”

Borat. I like!! Next question?

Ah yes, your Magnificence. This was posted in our forum by your sister: “Hoy amaw! Ikaw nay manglimpyo sa kasilyas ogma!”

Ah, okay. Yes sis, I love you too!

Finally, here’s a tissue paper with a message written by two of our studio audience, it says “Room 210.” It’s signed Stellah and Matet and has a key attached to it. What can you say about that?

Alright girls, I’ll bring the can of luncheon meat this time. And Tets, I only have two words to say to you: “orgasmic dance.”

Well, Mr. Magnificent Atty. Perez, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have today. Would you like any parting words for our viewers?

Ah yes, thank you very much Mr. Interviewer. I would like to thank the people of Cebu for all their time and support, and to Mayor Tommy Osmena and Governor Gwen Garcia for supplying me with an endless choice of topics for my blog. Thank you also to Fanny Serrano for my hair and make-up, to Carbon Market for my wardrobe and underwear, and to the framers of the 1987 Constitution for the political right to free speech. I would also like to thank Atty. Avanzado of the Supreme Court Publication Office for the newsbriefs and the wonderful book on the Rule of Law.

And to all the little people I stepped on to make my way up to my Magnificence, you’re very much welcome!

In closing, I would like to just say, “Gusto kong bumait pero di ko magawa, nasa Dios ang awa, nasa tao ang gawa!”

*bow!*

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Comments»

1. BarrioHeiress - June 28, 2007

This is a comment.

*bow*

Haha, I swear this has got to be the most hilarious thing I’ve read from you– it almost seems as if you were channeling me!!! Hahaha 😀 Keep up the good work teh.

2. patsadakarajaw - June 28, 2007

“I tell you, there’s nothing quite like the feeling of being mocked and ridiculed by people you’ve never met. It leaves one with a warm fuzzy feeling deep down the pancreas knowing that people truly care. Huzzah to the constitutional right to free speech! Rest assured, I will write more controversial and contrarian political commentaries in the future, perhaps explaining why the First Gentleman Mike Arroyo should be our next Prime Minister, or a discussion on what would happen if we were to clone Antonio Trillanes IV and splice him with the genes of King Leonidas of Sparta. (”This! Is! Madness!”)”
________________________________________________________________

Well, we will just treat you like Miriam Santiago.then.

3. northwolf - June 28, 2007

Oh yes! Miriam Santiago! Wait, I have to practice speaking in a fake British accent!

4. Danikook - June 28, 2007

Man, I’ve been reading blogs since the internet has gone public and this by far is the wittiest I’ve ever read written by a Cebuano and from one whom I know pa.

Keep the goodies comin’.

Wtg!

5. northwolf - June 28, 2007

Wow, thanks Dan! Coming from you, that’s a really big compliment! Spank you very hard! 🙂

6. swerver - June 28, 2007

omigawd! this the most seriously silly post I’ve bumped into coming from such a man who claims himself as Magnificent? Is HE really? i don’t know, i’m in serious doubt now…

i think he’s just cute.. oh heck, keep rocking, man! we will molest you with supah hits!!!

7. Manuel L. Quezon III: The Daily Dose » Blog Archive » Koko puff - July 3, 2007

[…] The Magnificent Atty. Perez points out, there’s no such thing as bad publicity. […]

8. James Perry - July 4, 2007

yul bryner is one of the Magnificent Seven

9. northwolf - July 5, 2007

Chuck Norris can kick Yul Bryner’s ass 8) Bleem you Yul Bryner!

10. BarrioHeiress - July 9, 2007

“Thank you Mia, that’s a very good question, but you see, I’m already a supermodel. If you open the economy-size pack of Trust Condoms (the one in chicken-pork-adobo flavor), take a look at their illustrated guide of how to insert a condom. That’s me!

Besides, I already have a superpower. I have the ability to lower your IQ just by reading my blog!”

— HAHAHA It did not work on me. You see, I have repelled your IQ technology by unleashing my double-sided, cottony-soft cover (with wings!) na shields! Pow! Wapak! Flame of Queen Rayna! Pi-shing! Pi-shing!

*Bungkag attorney.*

P. S. Thanks for the complimentary condoms. Although I must say, humba flavor is still the best. Especially with makulay gulay. 😉

Ah, wa jud nadutlan ang D’ Borj.


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