The Magnificent Atty. Perez

Despite the darkness set by the burlap sack placed over his head, the man could hear the muttered and guttural voices of what sounded like a Middle Eastern language. The dry arid heat of the surroundings suggested that they have taken him to a desert. Nearby, he could smell the stench of goat and camel droppings, damp molds, and unbathed Arabian men.

It was a strange time to be craving an All-American Cheeseburger.

“Welcome, Mr. Robert Downey Junior,” said his captor in deliberately intoned English, as the burlap sack was finally raised and the captive could finally make sense of his surroundings. The light came rushing into his eyes harshly, causing temporary blindness. Robert struggled against the rope tied on his wrists and legs but it was futile. He can’t get out of the chair.

“Wha– what are you going to do with me? Do you need money? My wife has money, just let me go free…”, the man who used to portray Charlie Chaplin impleaded to the voice who spoke to him, as his eyes finally adjusted to the surroundings. There were five Middle Eastern men with guns, not counting the swarthy leader who spoke to him in deliberate syllabication.

*SLAP!*

“You keep quiet you fatherless son of a motherless goat!,” the leader yelled, as the pain of his bony hand connected with Robert Downey, Jr’s rather bruised jaw. “We do not want your money, we are rich from our stocks in shawarma! We want you to build us the iron soldiers…”

Robert Downey Jr. was incredulous. “Wait… iron soldiers? Do you mean like from Iron Man?? There must be a mistake, that was only a movie–”

*SLAP!*

“Do not think you can trick us, Mister Junior. We saw you build the iron soldiers that could fly, shoot missiles and streams of fire. And do not think we would make the same mistake! We will be watching over you, like the hawks of the endless desert. You will not be left alone in the room. We will not give you free reign over missile warheads. We will not even give you lighter fluid! And you WILL build us our iron soldiers, Mr. Robert Downey Junior.”

The actor slumped to his chair, dejected. His agent was right.

He should have taken the role for Mr. Fantastic instead.

Compared to Manila lawyers, Cebuano lawyers make a fraction of the amount that lawyers based in our nation’s capital earn.

However.

You can’t beat the perks of practicing in Cebu, such as being thrown off to hearings in far-flung rural areas, especially if it’s a seaside one. Yes folks, I’m talking about the opportunity of getting to sleep with bit–, errr, I mean, getting to sleep at beaches.

Today is September 28, 2007, and yours truly, the Magnificent Atty. Perez, is having a quiet Friday morning by the poolside of Marcosas Cottage, owned by the gracious Spouses Herzenstiel, Michael and Marcosa, who are both clients of the firm that I represent. Normally, I try to avoid talking about my clients to respect their privacy, but considering that I am *cough cough* a minor Internet celebrity and in the interests of promoting the tourism industry of my beloved Cebu, I am humbly lending the gravity of my esteemed munificence (somewhere in the world, one of my bestfriends is gagging) in order to bring to fore the beauty of Moalboal and the warmth of Marcosas Cottages. Of course, this is written with the blessings and permission of Herr Michael.

For the record, I am not a Boracay type of tourist. The weight of my Magnificence is such that it must be used responsibly and not flaunted so openly in public, as the very sight of my very superstardom is known to cause sudden heart palpitations, the inexplicable urge to worship the ground that I walk on, and the acute need to burst into the dancing and singing of musical scores of love and adoration. (If I only had a dollar every time someone serenaded me with “In my life, he has burst like the music of angels, the light of the sun….”, I would probably already have… hmm… ten centavos.) Hence being the selfless and humble soul that I am, (I hear the Pope is still mulling over my application for living sainthood), I have instead made it a point to have my vacations over at out-of-the-way areas that nobody has ever heard about, much less frequent. I guess I just prefer having my peace and quiet.

At any rate, I have already spent 2 paragraphs on self-aggrandizement and senseless exposition, so I better go ahead to promoting my clients’ resort while my bispren DK has not yet thrown a rock at my direction.

Marcosas Cottages is a charming little out-of-the-way resort villa located in the town of Moalboal, located at the southern part of Cebu. It’s a true mom-and-pop operation run and operated by the smiling and friendly staff employed by Michael and Marcosas Herzenstiel. I guess this is what my friend Tina would call a “boutique resort”, or a “bed-and-breakfast,” or simply, something that’s too small to compete with the likes of top-notch beach resorts, without the modern and up-scale amenities offered by the latter.

But then again, not everybody can afford going to top-notch beach resorts. Or for that matter, even if they could afford to go to a top-notch beach resort, not everybody would want to go one. It could be filled with so many strangers, or it’s too loud, or there are too many events scheduled which detracts from the sense of “getting away from it all.”

The charm of Marcosas Cottages is that it is the anti-commercialized beach resort. The operation is being actively run by the owners themselves, and in fact, if you drop by over at the bar for a nightcap, you will find Michael himself mixing your drinks and engaging you in conversation over a cool bottle of San Miguel Pale Pilsen. (My favorite question to ask him has always been, “How does Filipino beer compare to German lagers?” The answer: It’s so light and refreshing, it’s like drinking mineral water.)

Forget about the plastic smiles and forced friendliness of big resorts, the staff here is made up of local and winsome barrio lasses who give you genuine mirth and warmth behind their smiles. The food here is delicious and has all the comforts of home cooking, but with a twist. Since the owner is German, the resort features meals that a Deutsch hausfrau would be serving back in the motherland. Just last night, a decade of juvenile green jokes were shattered as I ordered a weiner schnitzel and discovered to my disillusion that the dish is actually just a plain old breaded porkchop. Oh well. Damn good porkchop though.

(And to my good friend Muerte from high school, let me just say that our friend who roleplays the Cavalier Aurelius Stark could not therefore suck your schnitzel no matter how many times you goad him, on account of the medical impossibility of the act. The breadcrumbs would stick to his teeth. Ich gut, ya? Ya?)

Owing to the fact that the resort is small, you can expect more attention and a more personalized service. But if you are expecting some kind of Disneyland or Boracay level of fun, this is not the place to go. The only attractions that the resort has are its swimming pool and massage sauna. Other than that, this is just somewhere to go if you want to get away from it all, without sacrificing personal amenities like cable TV (the rooms also have their own DVD players), good airconditioning (you can choose between the powerful airconditioner and/or the ceiling fan, or both), clean and beautiful-looking rooms (check out my pictures), hot and cold showers.

If you really feel like going on an adventure, the resort is only a 3-minute walk away from a diving shop (Blue Abyss), a 5-minute walk from a public beach. If fresh water and waterfalls are more of your thing, for a small fee, you could charter the resort’s van and have it transport you to the nearby Kawasan Falls for a cool dip.

Moalboal is more known as a diving spot though, as it is found near one of the reefs outlying Cebu. There are numerous diving shops nearby where you could charter boat trips or rent diving equipment. The one I mentioned, Blue Abyss, is run by a German national who has decided to settle down here in the Philippines.

Curiously, I am the only Filipino guest in Marcosas. All the other guests are German. I just learned last night that Michael is affiliated with a diving club in Germany whose members make periodic trips to the Philippines. That’s not a big deal for me since Germans are okay by my book. They keep to themselves and don’t put on any airs unlike some other tourists who think their culture and gene pool is God’s gift to the rest of the heathen and uncivilized world. And judging from the reception given by the staff of Marcosas, the Germans are good and friendly guests as well.

Although I wouldn’t outright say that the rates are cheap, I could honestly say that the price of both the lodging and the food is reasonable and worth its price in value-added service and attention to detail. Room rates range from P1,450 to P2,000 a night, with in-house provisions like tea, coffee, snacks and the like charged surprisingly at retail prices. Food prices ranges somewhere from around P100 to P300, depending on the item ordered, which is not bad, if you think about it.

Well, I guess if you’re up for the adventure, I’ll be seeing you at Marcosas Cottage every now and then. Till next time, guten tag!

Homeygas!!! I can’t bilib it!! I’VE NEVER POSTED A LAWYER JOKE IN MY BLAWG!!!!

I must rectify that situation at once!

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Lawyer Joke #1: The Idealistic New Lawyer

There was once this idealistic, young, good-looking and magnificent new lawyer that recently passed the Bar and he was offered to join this large law firm, because he had so much magnificent potential.

So the law firm made him all the fancy offers… a new car, a million peso acceptance bonus, a condominium in Makati… yadda yadda yadda.

But the lawyer was so idealistic that he told the firm: “Thank you for your offers but I must know… what is your firm’s policy on pro bono cases?”

The firm partners looked very serious and asked the new lawyer for some time to discuss the matter.

The partners got together in a huddle and debated and argued and discussed the matter. After an hour of this, one of the partners finally could take it no longer and approached the young lawyer.

He said: “Uhm… what’s pro bono?”

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Lawyer Joke #2: Say Cheese!

When taking a lawyer’s picture, what is the one word that a photographer can say to make the lawyer smile?

“Okay Attorney, say “FEES!”

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Lawyer Joke #3: How to Save a Lawyer

QUESTION: What is the best way to save a drowning lawyer?

ANSWER: Take your foot off his head.

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Lawyer Joke #4: The Devil’s Advocate

The Devil once visited the Magnificent Atty. Perez’s office to make him an offer.

Our brilliant young lawyer, very much shocked, could only stand up and scream, “HOMEYGAS!! Speaker of the House De Venecia!!! What are you doing in my office??? I swear, my internet connection is legal!!! I did not pirate my broadband connection from my Chinese client!!”

To which the Devil laughed and said, “Oh shush, I am not Speaker De Venecia… I am only the Devil. Now listen up. I can arrange some things for you.”

The Magnificent Atty. Perez sat down and pressed his stopwatch, so that he could bill the Devil.

The Devil continued, “I’ll make you the richest and most handsome lawyer in the Philippines. Your partners will all be Erap, Marcos and Arroyo cronies. People everywhere will fear your power and your prowess in court. You’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. You will be so sexy and popular that sex-film starlets will pay you money just to have you visit their bed. You will no longer be a minor internet celebrity but instead, your blawg will be so popular that you will need your own lease line and dedicated server to handle all the traffic” And then the Devil paused.

The Magnificent Atty. Perez was interested and listened more. He glanced at the Devil’s shoes and was surprised to find that the Devil did indeed wear Prada.

The Devil finally concluded, “In exchange for all this, Atty. Perez, I will…” then the Devil leaned forward and whispered to the handsome young lawyer’s ears.

The Magnificent Atty. Perez was shocked, amazed and stood up, yelling.

“IN RETURN FOR WEALTH, FAME, POWER AND PRESTIGE YOU WANT ME TO SELL THE ETERNAL SOULS OF MY WIFE, MY CHILDREN, MY CHILDREN’S CHILDREN, THEIR YAYAS AND THAT OF THE FAMILY DOG????? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????”

Then the Magnificent Atty. Perez leaned forward and asked the Devil,

“What’s the catch?”

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Lawyer Joke #5: Criminal Law Tips

When I was in Manila last week, I helped my fellow graduates from Harvard University by giving them our Pink Tips, which all the other law schools and universities are fighting for. Since it was criminal law, I predicted one question and put it in the Harvard Notes. Sure enough, the question was asked by the Criminal Law examiner in Item No. 11 of last Sunday’s exam.

The situation was, “R was married to Y, who was a Turkish citizen. Y had a fight with R, who had to fly over to the Philippines to be comforted by her mother A, who was a Cebuana, and her father E, who was not. Y flew over to the Philippines to say that he was sorry to R, who blew off his invitation to bring their family on a beach abroad. R said that she would rather go to Boracay or to Hadsan. Y got insulted and took the family cat hostage with him to Turkey.”

Item No. 1 then asks, “What is a criminal lawyer. Please define.”

The Harvard Notes suggested answer: “A criminal lawyer? That’s redundant.”

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Lawyer Joke #6: Prized Possession

The Magnificent Atty. Perez was driving his big Ferrari Testarossa down the highway, singing to himself, “Lalalala… I love my Testarossa. Lalalalala…. I love my Testarossa.”

Focusing on his car, not his driving, the Magnificent Atty. Perez smashed into a balete tree. He walked out, with bloody bruises on his face, his body hurting all over, and with his nose broken and mangled beyond repair. Then he stopped to assess the damage.

“My Ferarri Testarossa!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!” he screamed in sorrow.

Surprisingly one of the loyal fans of his blawg drove by and cried out, “Oh no!!! Magnificent Atty. Perez!!! You’re bleeding! We have to take you to the hospital and… HOMAYGAS!!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LEFT ARM??? IT’S GONE!!!!”

The Magnificent Atty. Perez, horrified, looked at the stump of his left arm and screamed. “MY ROLEX!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!”

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Lawyer Joke #8: Victory!

One day, a magnificent young lawyer was in Dipolog defending a criminal case in favor of the accused. He fought with such verve, passion and expertise that the judge found the case to his favor and acquitted the lawyer’s client.

The magnificent young lawyer’s boss subsequently sent him a text message asking, “So, how was the case?”

Feeling pleased with himself and his great victory, the magnificent young lawyer txt’ed back and replied, “Justice triumphed.”

His boss called him up and said, “APPEAL IMMEDIATELY!!!”

Dear Magnificent Atty. Perez,May a thousand winds fan you with cool breezes despite the heat of an unforgiving sun!

Good day! My name is Fazouk, I am a camel trader from Middle Eastern country. Around 8 months ago, I met this divine vision of loveliness from your country, a creature whom the angels have gifted with the name “Maricar.” She and I met through the wonders of cybersex on the Internet.

I pursued and courted Maricar for 4 months, communicating with each other through e-mail, chatting, webcam and phone calls, until eventually, I made the grand decision to fly all over to your beautiful country to finally meet my love. Do you believe in love at first sight, Attorney? That was how I felt when I first saw Maricar at the airport. She was literally the most beautiful girl that I’ve ever seen. I couldn’t wait to alone with her and ravish her with the burning passions of the Mideastern dessert.

Fortunately, during the third day of my stay in the Philippines, I finally got my chance. The walls of Jericho caved in for Fazouk and my Maricar found her sweet body on my soft hotel bed.

But that was where I learned the bitter truth, your Magnificence. May a thousand and one of Sulaiman’s djinns strike me blind, deaf, mute but not impotent!!! May a sandworm rise from the desert and eat all my camels, leaving behind nothing but precious spice!!! What is the truth, you may ask??? What is the bitter truth???

Maricar’s real name is MARIO CARUNGOY!!

Yes Attorney!!! Under the cruel fluorescent light of harsh reality, my lover could no longer hide her secrets, with her body laid bare and open to all scrutiny and so I had to ask, “What is THAT????!!!!!”

Oh the shame!! The shame!! My father is turning in his grave, grief stricken by the fallow turns of fate dealt upon his foolish son. However, Attorney, destiny has left me a greater sorrow when I realized that I cannot help it… I AM IN LOVE WITH MARICAR!!! Yes!!! Whoever he, she or it may be, I LOVE YOU MARICAR!! YOU COMPLETE ME! I’ve realized the truth… I cannot live without you! Oh the shame!!! May my father strike me dead!!!

These are my plans Attorney: First, I cannot accept the fact that Maricar’s sheesha pipe is bigger than that of my camel’s, so I am going to pay for her sex-change operation so that he, she, or it will finally become a REAL woman.

Second, I want to make Maricar happy by getting married in the Philippines, attended by all of his, her or it’s close family and friends. But will the Philippines legally recognize Maricar as my wife? Will it be alright to get married in a Catholic church when I am not even a Christian?

If this is not possible, can we go somewhere else that will legally recognize our uhm… unusual marriage arrangements, like for example Amsterdam in the Netherlands? Will that be legally recognized?

Please help me Attorney… I have no one else to turn to!

Love hurts,

Fazouk the Camel Salesman

Dear Fazouk,

I sympathize with your predicament and may I just say that truly, there is a truism to Shakespeare when he wrote that “Love has its reason which reason does not know.” This fact was even recognized by the Supreme Court in the poignant case of Chua-Qua vs Hon. Jacobo Clave (G.R. No. L-4959, August 1990).

Unfortunately for you and your Mario Carungoy (erstwhile known as the lovely Maricar), the Philippines is quite adamant and strict in the interpretation of the law where no less than our Family Code has defined marriage as:

“A special contract of permanent union between a man and a woman entered into in accordance with the law for the establishment of conjugal and family life.”

Article 2 of the same law further requires the following essential requisites:

1) Legal capacity of the contracting parties who must be a male and a female, and;

2) Consent freely given in the presence of the solemnizing officer.

So, needless to say my friend, if you do get married to your precious Maricar whether here or in another country, your union will not be recognized by the Philippines because under the eyes of our law, Maricar will always be a MAN, regardless of whether or not you will cut off his, her or its manhood and feed it to your camels. And in our country, a man could NOT marry another man. (And besides… you did not mention which country you come from, but isn’t it possible that in certain Middle Eastern countries, you and Maricar would get stoned to death for having that kind of marriage?)

So, whether or not Maricar will undergo a sex-change operation, in the eyes of Philippine law, Maricar will always be Mario Carungoy. Why? For your marriage to be valid, the law requires that Maricar should have been born as a woman, and not become a “woman” subsequently thereafter. This fact is explained by Article 1 of the Family Code when it provides that the purpose of marriage is for the establishment of conjugal and family life, or in other words… the biological procreation of children must have a shade of possibility from the onset of your marriage.

Finally, although it is already moot and academic at this point, I would like to state that had Maricar truly been a natural woman and not merely a “you make me feel like a natural woman”, it would have been alright for the two of you to get married in a Catholic church, even if you are not Catholic. Paragraph 2 of Article 7 of the Family Code provides that:

Marriage may be solemnized by:

xxx

2) Any priest, rabbi, imam, or minister of any church or religious sect and registered with the civil registrar general, acting within the limits of the written authority granted him by his church or religious sect and provided that at least one of the contracting parties belongs to the solemnizing officer’s church or religious sect;

I feel your pain and torment, Fazouk. I hope you and your Maricar will find happiness despite all the obstacles that the world will pin on your union. Whether or not such happiness will lie in each other’s arms, is a matter I don’t wish to judge. Everybody deserves to be happy, that is all I want to say.

My friend Matet has a saying and I’m sure you’ll agree with me on this: “When the world hands you lemons…. grab some tequila and salt and call me over right away.”

Good luck Fazouk and may you find shade in an oasis far away from the sun.

Sincerely,

the Magnificent Atty. Perez

Dear Magnificent Atty. Perez,

My name is Scrooge McDuck, a bonnie Scot mallard of the clan McDucks from Glasgow, Scotland. It pleases me to note that you are a quite learned and enthusiastic human lawyer for one your age (not to mention the fact that you give FREE legal advice), and though you have taken a penchant for educating the poor and underprivileged of society, may I inquire as to whether you would render your expert legal opinion on one such as myself…. eccentric bajillionaires that are absurdly wealthy beyond all measure. (And dear sir, I ask that you render me the same FREE legal advice as you would the likes of Maritess and Ging-ging.)

Now sir, I have acquired an estate over at Sagay in the Province of Negros Occidental. It is a wonderful hacienda, as you Filipinos would say, one overlooking a vast sugarfield with a thousand and five slaves, errr, I mean laborers, toiling in my sugar fields. The estate includes a horse farm, a banana plantation, a free lot where I shall be growing Jatropha (known in your native parlance as tuba-tuba) for bio-diesel, as well as a 5-hectare beach front that I intend to develop into a beach resort.In the interests of providing my three grand-nephews Huey, Dewey and Louie with employment, I also intend to acquire two franchises: Sunburst Fried Chicken and Jo’s Chicken Inato, two very well-respected establishments in your native Cebu.

Lately, I have considered acquiring a salt-mine in Bukidnon, which will not only provide my grand-nephews with free salt for their restaurant business, but shall likewise provide me with the pleasure of cracking my whip and ordering, “Work my peons!! Work!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

However, I am getting quite advanced in my years. Having first appeared in Disney’s “Christmas in Bear Mountain” on the year 1947, I am now more or less in the respectable age of 60 years old. (Which makes my nephew Donald, who first appeared on June 9, 1934, thirteen years older than I. Absurd, is it not?)

Nevertheless, such being the case, I am asking for your esteemed legal advise on this matter: I plan to bequeath my properties in favor of my nephew Donald, and my grandnephews Huey, Dewey and Louie. I have already made arrangements for all my properties around the world but none for my properties in the Philippines. I may or may not engage your services as my lawyer in the matter, depending on the advise given.

So, my dear Magnificent Atty. Perez, how can you help me with this endeavor?

Ad quack dei memoriam,

Scrooge McDuck

Dear Uncle Scrooge (Please please please… Can I call you Uncle Scrooge????):

I write in reply to your query dated August 8, 2007 on the matter of how to dispose your Philippine assets with the view of the same being transmitted in favor of your nephew Donald Duck and your grandnephews Huey Duck, Dewey Duck and Louie Duck.

But before I do, I just want to say that I AM SUCH A BIG FAN OF YOUR CARTOON SERIES, DUCKTALES!!! I think I may have skipped a few classes just to see your adventures on GMA-7, and my childhood consists of singing our your theme song, “Duck Tales!! Woohoo!!!” I wish YOU were my real uncle.

That being said, let me now go to the matter on hand. What you ask for, dear Uncle Scrooge, is a matter called Estate Planning, which is a legal program of planning the disposition of one’s existing and future assets in a way that minimizes one’s taxes, as well as reduces the headaches of litigation on inheritance matters.

Considering the glut of your assets here in the Philippines, my recommendation is that you form a corporation and transfer all your assets under the name of this corporation. Considering likewise that you will need a corporation to manage and run your businesses in the Philippines, I wholly recommend the formation of one such corporation. We can call the business “McDuck Enterprises, Inc.” We can reserve the name now, if you want. If the name has been taken, may I suggest we call the corporation “Itlog Maalat Corporation” instead? In Filipino, that loosely means, “Good Fortune, Good Venture, Good TASTE!”

Now, there are three ways that we can transfer the assets to your corporation. The first way is through a “sale” of assets by you to your corporation. The advantage of this option is that it is the fastest and easiest method to transfer the assets to your corporation, involving only the execution of a Deed of Absolute Sale and the registration of the same with the Registry of Deeds and voila! Your assets are transferred to your corporation! The drawback? This method also involves the payment of a greater rate of taxes (a Capital Gains Tax of 10% of either the fair market value of the property or its selling price, whichever is higher), hence, not recommended if we are dealing with vast tracks of land and numerous properties. Imagine transferring property worth P800 million… we’re talking about taxes at the rate of P80 million!

The second option is to “donate” the properties to your corporation. This option has the same expediency as the first method, which may or may not have a higher tax rate than the first, depending on the value of the property donated. However, I do not favor this method since in terms of succession planning, this is the least secure method of transfer, in the sense that properties validly donated may still be collated by the other heirs under the estate of the decedent. As you know, families have been destroyed all because of squabbles over inheritance. Thus, if your purpose in transferring the properties is for the sake of buying peace within the family, then I recommend that you don’t resort to a donation.

The third option is to have an equity swap, meaning that you will “invest” these properties under the name of your corporation in exchange for shares of stock of the same. Of all the three methods, this option involves the most bureaucracy and red-tape, but nonetheless, it is also the one that involves the least amount of taxes. Technically, no taxes are involved other than documentary stamp taxes (1% of the book value of the original issuance of shares of stock), but you will be paying for certain fees.

The third option essentially involves the Bureau of Internal Revenue which will issue a tax ruling declaring the transfer in exchange for capital stock as a tax-free transfer. The tax ruling is to be issued by the Commissioner of Internal Revenue, who is based in Manila, hence, you will need to have your lawyer periodically follow up the matter over at BIR head office in Manila.

As to transferring these properties under the name of your nephew and grandnephews, it merely involves the issuance of stock certificates under their name, or the execution of a Deed of Assignment, as the case may be.

There are many more ways I can help you legally minimize taxes and form your corporation in a manner that best serves your needs, but that advice is no longer free, I’m sorry to say. Might I entice you to visit me here in Cebu and employ the services of both my law firm and my bookkeeping corporation? Let’s have lunch, my treat. There’s this delightful Chinese restaurant called Grand Majestic that serves the best Peking Duck in Cebu!

Errrrrrr….. on second thought, how would you like some Sunburst Fried Chicken?

Truly yours,

the Magnificent Atty. Perez

“I’ve been standing here
waiting for the bus on a Saturday
laundry on my back, ultraviolet rays
like I’m posing for a shot in a magazine
what the hell does it mean?”

The lyrics of Eraserhead’s “Waiting for a Bus” always comes back to me everytime I arrive in Dapitan, Zamboanga del Norte, as I haggle with a motorcycle driver to take me to my regular hotel in Dipolog City. The ride sets me back around P130 to P150. That’s a short 10 minute motorcycle ride with me holding on to some random stranger with, strangely enough, Ely Buendia’s voice squealing in the back of my head. Yep, it’s habal-habal for me all the way from Dapitan Wharf to Dipolog City. My other option is actually to take the really slow bus going there but I would much rather take the dangerous and more expensive route going to Dipolog, and really, who wants to live forever?

This coming from a man whose motto in life is to “Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse.” The other variant is to “Live fast, die young, leave a trail of broken hearts.” And the other still less popular variant is “Live fast, die young, leave dirty underwear”

(And to think my motto in life used to be “Study hard, beautiful wife ahead.” Blah to that.)

I’m going to be doing a lot of travelling in the next few weeks. Tomorrow, I take the Fastcraft passing by Tagbilaran and Dumaguete until I reach the port of Dapitan, in the newly-created province of Zamboanga del Norte where the aforesaid motorcycle ride will take me all the way to Dipolog City to my hotel.

The week after, I will fly off to bonny Manila where I will scour the streets looking for Tondo’s Civil Registrar in order to correct some hapless civil servant’s incompetence when he/she mispelled the name of a client’s daughter in her Certificate of Live Birth. (I mean really, why do we need these things? To prove that we were successfully born? Like duh. I can just imagine some poor schmuck showing up at school and being refused enrollment all for the reason that, “Oh I’m sorry sir, you don’t have a birth certificate. How do we know that you were really born? For all I know, you could be just a hologram from the future transmitted through satellite rays by the Transformers.”)

Then the week after that, I will hie off to nearby Bohol where I will both (a) pay my client’s real estate taxes and (b) get some Bohol beach lovin’. Hooray for me!

But tomorrow, it’s to Dipolog that I go.

This will probably be my 5th or 6th trip to Dipolog City, courtesy of an ongoing case involving the contract of carriage between a family that missed passage on a certain boat trip, against the company that owns the boat, i.e., my client. I have very mixed feelings towards this trip. In the first place, the boat trip going to Dapitan can be a pain in the posterior, literally. We’re talking about a 6-hour boat ride from Cebu to Dapitan, with agonizingly slow stopovers in Tagbilaran and Dumaguete. My boat trip misfortunes include (a) sitting with a man who had the worst case of B.O. in the country and (b) choppy waters from Dumaguete to Dapitan. (Emptied my stomach, I did. At one point after a good strong puking, I had to ask myself, “Wait a minute! I don’t remember eating THAT!!”)

Compound that with the crappy in-house movies. Sometimes I get lucky and they show Jackie Chan films that I have never seen. And then sometimes, I get that really sordid B-movie about people getting locked out of a boat in the middle of the ocean and slowly drowning to their miserable deaths while swimming around a yacht that they don’t know how to get back on. Ah yes, it takes a sick genius to show that kind of movie while you’re riding a boat in choppy waters seated to a man with a bad case of stinkyarmpititis. Brilliant. Needless to say, the only thing entertaing in that 6-hour boat ride is counting how many old white farts are travelling with their mail-order Filipina brides and spending their hard earned dollars in the woman’s hometown province. Thank God for desperate old white men. Without them, we would be relying solely on Koreans for foreign currency.

Dipolog is beginning to be a nice place though. I used to hate it because the hotel I was staying at has crappy amenities and even crappier service, but ever since that same hotel opened up a second branch, I’ve been enjoying my trips there. I enjoy the solitude of being a stranger in a strange land. I enjoy walking about and enjoying the semi-rural ambiance of Dipolog City, reminding me of my hometown in Bantayan Island, and the old department stores in downtown Cebu.

In my last trip, I amused myself by looking for unusual purchases and came up with (1) A cheap-ass notebook that has some teen celebrity that I don’t recognize, looking so gosh-darn cute in an ambiguous sexual orientation kind of way; (2) a chinese tetra-pak milk thing that tasted quite yummy. I just don’t recognize the writings on the box, so I hope it doesn’t contain formalin…. or cat meat!; (3) the ugliest pair of shorts ever made on God’s earth, all for the price of P40!!! I swear, the store should have paid ME to get it out of their hands, it was THAT ugly! It was colored green with bright orange tiger stripes that wrapped around your butt and turned into flourescent pink flames towards the rear end. I felt so selfish for buying that pair of shorts, because it was made of so much synthetic fiber that I swear, if you melt it down to its component material, we would solve the Earth’s energy crisis for the next 30 years. And just as I was about to wear it at our hotel’s pool, I noticed the tag attached to the crotch portion of the shorts: “Government Warning: Wearing this pair of shorts has been known to cause random bouts of incurable blindness in the vicinity. Wearer is advised to proceed with caution and with due regard for the sanity of his fellow Filipinos.” I looked out the pool and all I saw nearby were Koreans and dirty old white men, so I went ahead swimming. I’m sorry, Philippine tourism economy! The Dipolog police is still investigating what happened that fateful April night.

One thing you can be sure of though, Dipolog City is on its way up, as within its very own ranks I discovered two indicators of progress. One is the numerous Kimberly-Clarke table napkin/toothpick dispensers on top of the table, looking so spiffy in in their Kimberly-Clarke goodness. The other is the fact of not one, but TWO!!! Yes, folks, you heard me right… Dipolog City has TWO Sunburst Fried Chicken restaurants, and both of them are found at the hotel where I reside. As every bona fide native of the Visayas and Mindanao knows, Sunburst Fried Chicken is the mark of progress. When one town has its very own Sunburst Fried Chicken, prosperity in the local economy could not be far behind. (Cebu City should know… it has, as of last count, not one, not two, but FIVE! FIVE Sunburst Fried Chicken branches, serving crispy fried chicken goodness to the entrepreneurial populace!)

But the truth of the matter is, I’m getting a bit sick of Sunburst Fried Chicken in Dipolog because it’s the only place I eat in when I’m there. I’d like to try out their other restaurants but all I see nearby are carinderias and the ocassional Jollibee and Greenwich Pizza, which I detest even more than Sunburst Fried Chicken. Since I only know 2 people in Dipolog, namely Popoy Mah and Paul Legorio, who are, unfortunately, both living in Cebu, I guess I’m limited to eating at Sunburst until I can find a better place to dine.  And although I really do eat in carinderias, I only do so when I am in Cebu, where my dad, who is a doctor, is easily accessible in case I get stomach cramps or worse.  Would rather not risk getting hospitalized in a strange town where I don’t know anyone, wouldn’t you think?

Well, this blog is getting quite long so let me close it by saying that Dipolog will always be noteworthy to me for its glut of motorcycles and tricycles. P6 for trips within the city, and a haggle-stress price of P130 to P150 for trips to Dapitan Wharf. But the habal-habal charm has grown on me. Where else can I truly feel like a travelling cowboy lawyer than when having the wind blast through my face, whipping my hair and barong about as I ride behind the back of a speeding motorcycle driver through the empty streets of Dapitan with nothing but beautiful rural foliage and smiling children waving past by as I return back home to Cebu….

“I’m a travelling man, straight from the can
I’m a thousand miles away from my number one fan
my folks are getting tight
won’t let me out at night
you can’t avoid the complications when there’s no reason at all…

When lightning strikes we cry!
I’ll drink my beer, I’ll wash my tears,
southbound in the SKY!!!…”

Aside from being a lawyer, I am also a certified public accountant (short for “CPA”, which my dad says also means “cada pista adto”). However, I really consider myself more of a lawyer than a CPA since I never really practiced my accounting profession extensively. My bean counter experience has been limited to: (1) working at a bank, which was never really accounting-related to begin with. I was more of a clerk than an accountant, and I tell you, it’s just no fun to count money that doesn’t belong to you; (2) teaching Accounting at my alma mater, and to quote my bispren Ken “Those who can’t, teach”; (3) being the Head of Administration and Accounting for a printing company (where I had other people under me who performed the work. I just sat there and oversaw everyone. So, as you can see, I was hardly working, errrr, I mean, working hard.); and (4) during the peak audit season after my graduation from Accounting, I was hired as temporary staff for Punongbayan and Araullo accounting firm, where I helped out with inventory counts. (I knew all those years of watching Sesame Street would pay off someday. I think I must have irritated the foreman in one of the warehouses I visited when I started counting like Count von Count, “One!!! One sack of fertilizer! Ah-ah-ah-ah” *matching thunder, lightning and bats flying all around* “Two!!! Two sacks of fertilizer!! Ah-ah-ah-ah“… )

In essence, I never really practiced the meat and potatoes work of a CPA, which is both bookkeeping and auditing. I was too busy working in a bank and studying law to ever gain any worthy experience in the profession. In fact, when I became a lawyer, I thought that was it… I was saying goodbye to my CPA practice.

As I’ve mentioned before, there are essentially two broad categories in my law practice: Litigation and Corporate. Litigation deals with appearing before courts in adversarial cases, which includes civil, criminal, commercial and labor disputes. Corporate, in a nutshell, is anything that does not involve litigation, such as forming corporations, reviewing contracts, applying for environmental compliance certificates, and brewing coffee for very important corporate clients.

It helps that I make a mean brew with nothing but Nescafe instant coffee, brown sugar, Coffeemate and my boyish lawyer charms. You would not believe the number of deals I’ve closed with nothing but my coffee stirring skills. It’s a secret technique, like the kung fu taught to me by Wudan monks from Schezuan province of China, called The Five Moon Purple Death by Coffeemate Technique, so called because after five full moons have elapsed since tasting my coffee, your face will turn as purple as sinamay ube from Bohol and then become uglier and uglier and uglier until you finally die looking like Babalu after he’s had a bad case of constipation and hemorrhoids. The only way to ward off death is to hire me as a legal retainer and insist on coming to my office for meetings and drinking my coffee.

My corporate practice is quite active since my firm deals with a lot of companies, and a lot of what I do involves forming corporations, getting special licenses for them, reviewing and drafting contracts and agreements, etc. In particular, I’m very much involved when it comes to organization formation and planning.

This particular job necessarily involves tax planning and knowing how to prepare journal entries on a company’s accounting books. Realizing my shortcomings on the matter, I’ve enlisted the help of two very good practicing CPA’s: Cyril Alto Ty (who was my classmate from high school and the person whom I copied my math answers from), and Noe Jude Penas (Cyril’s good friend and one of the best corporate planners that I’ve ever worked with).

With this in mind, I’ve realized how indispensable and valuable having actual practical accounting experience is for us corporate lawyers. There’s a certain sort of corporate streetsmart that a practicing CPA has which a lawyer will never ever know about, unless the latter is also a practicing CPA. Things like whether being VAT or non-VAT licensed is more advantageous to use and easier to support, to whether or not a fiscal year or a calendar year is more advantageous for the company for reportorial requirements, and to checking up whether or not open cases have been flagged for non-compliance with tax rules.

It’s kind of like how only a lawyer engaged in active litigation is the best person to draft and review a contract or an agreement, especially if it’s something like a joint venture because the litigating lawyer knows which provisions are red flags for potential case disputes; the correct phraseology of a certain provision that would avoid legal hassles later on in court; or the proper safeguard to implement that would expedite matters and avoid unnecessary litigation.

So, in summary, it is important for practicing corporate lawyers to work hand in hand with practicing CPA’s, especially when it comes to organization formation, tax planning and other similar projects, most especially if the corporate lawyer has no accounting background and will have no clue as to how his project will affect the books of the corporation.

I’m just glad I found the right CPA consultants for the job, people I trust and mesh easily with when it comes to personality, temperament, and disposition. Guys who have mystic, manly CPA looks that complement my  boyish kung fu lawyer charms. At least, when all else fails, we can always have a career as a boyband. Or, as matinee idols.

Yeah…. “Guwapings: the Reunion“. That sounds about right. We form corporations and save you from the evils of tax penalties, while making your adolescent daughters squeal in girlish delight. Showing now in a boardroom near you.

Here’s a very entertaining video of Cebuano inmates from the Cebu Provincial jail giving Michael Jackson some thrilling justice. The very source of the video is the provincial consultant of the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center (CPDRC), Mr. Byron Garcia (who is also the son of former Cebu governor and now contestant for the Speakership position of the Lower House, Hon. Pablo Garcia).

Mr. Garcia also wrote an interesting article on the provincial penal system, which I am reposting below:

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Speak out: The CPDRC experience
By Byron F. Garcia
Consultant on Security, Cebu Provincial Government

Penology in the country has always been equated with crime and punishment. Or crime plus punishment equals rehabilitation and reformation. But it can also mean crime plus punishment plus rehabilitation equals prison management.

Gray areas and loopholes abound in jail management, as there are many ways to circumvent rehabilitation. At the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center (CPDRC), the approach to rehabilitation is discipline, physical fitness, dismantling of the culture of corruption and preemptive decongestion.

It is a concept that views behavioral change and culture in the microcosm of a sick society, which is, the jail.

It is actually inside jails or rehabilitation centers that societal decadence is magnified. Drug trafficking and smuggling, addiction, politics and corruption prevail and proliferate because the jail environment provides fertile grounds for these to spread and transmit rapidly.

No matter how restrictive regulations may be, inmates and even jail guards can find loopholes in an already flawed system, making corruption a never-ending cycle.

Security, too, looks beyond the physical aspect. While padlocks and sophisticated gadgetry may physically shut off and isolate inmates from the world, it does not assure security.

Cultural, behavioral

Security must be approached not only physically but also from the cultural and behavioral context.

Inmates at the CPDRC are required to go through a workout regimen. While the goal is to keep the body fit in order to keep the mind fit, such may not actually happen if it is not done in a manner deemed pleasurable. Music, being the language of the soul, is added to that regimen.

Decadent cultures in jails are only spillovers of the culture outside. In approaching behavioral and cultural change, one has to look at the decadence of society to change the culture in the jail.

To do away with inmate and jail guard politics, rehabilitation must employ divide and rule. This is meant to discourage organization among inmates, where inherently gang culture exists.

Here lies the blunder. Penology or jail management in this country has never looked at gang culture in jails as one that actually propagates corruption and decadent culture. In most cases, jail authorities support and tolerate gang culture without considering that it actually impedes rehabilitation.

Gangs breed corruption and corruption breeds enmity and animosity between inmates or between inmates and guards.

Four components

To prevent familiarity between inmates and guards, security is done in four component forces: the Capitol Civil Security Forces, which conducts surprise greyhound operations and is tasked to inspect visitors during visiting days; the jail guards, who have direct contact with the inmates; the Provincial Security Group, which escorts inmates to and from court hearings; and the blue guards that check on the three security components at the entrance of the facility.

While the old practice of using jail guards won’t vanish, a four-tiered check-and-balance approach is used to plug the gaps for corruption.

To do away with corruption in jail finances, budgets are allocated and released directly from the Capitol treasury. Fund management, especially on food, is taken away from jail authorities.

Inmates, too, are not allowed to hold cash. Money is considered illegal. A system is provided where inmates can entrust their cash to jail authorities and have these converted to purchase orders. This is to ensure that money won’t be used for the purchase of contraband and to discourage gambling.

Jail capacity

While Jail authorities in this country continue to find ways to solve jail congestion or over-crowding, CPDRC has taken the very simple approach, which is by shutting its doors once it reaches full capacity.

What seems to be contemptuous and arrogant would prove to be admirable and humbling in the end, for it gives utmost consideration to the general welfare and security of the occupants inside the jail. Jails in our country are congested because penology chose it to be.

True rehabilitation may need revolutionary change in policies and approaches. At the CPDRC, the experience in responsive rehabilitation has proven that revolutionary change can be done from within.

I apologize… I’ve been so lazy. I have a lot of things to write about, but I can’t summon the motivation to do so. Let me make up for it by recycling an old post that I made in my old Friendster blog.

DEEP THOUGHTS BY ATTY. PEREZ VOL. 2 08/09/2006

Future criminals, take note: I have mapped out the perfect plan for you to get away scot-free from criminal liability. If you’re thinking of committing a crime, this is what you should first do:

1) Go to a very public and very crowded elevator. I recommend the one in Ayala-Cebu… the one near the fountain.

2) Wait for passengers to get in. It’s best if it’s very full. Try to make sure it’s filled with strangers, because strangers make very credible witnesses. If possible, make sure one of the passengers is either a grandmother, a judge, or a priest.

3) Pick the right moment. Usually, it’s one where the elevator is perfectly silent and people are occupied in their own thoughts.

4) When the right moment comes… meow. That’s right. Meow.

5) The passengers on the elevator, will, of course, stare at you. Keep quiet when they do and don’t look them in the eye. Look like you’re not aware of what’s going on. To achieve that look, pretend you’re really, really bored or really, really constipated… or both.

6) When they look away, meow again. You heard me. Again.

7) Repeat steps 5 and 6 as often as you think necessary, for full measure.

By this time, the passengers on the elevator will think you’re absolutely out of your mind insane. Which is good, because that’s exactly what you want to make them think.

Repeat this behaviour on at least five separate occasions, preferrably in the same elevator. You want to establish a reputation as the “Crazy Meowing Passenger of the Ayala Elevator” or any similar location.

That being done, you are now free to commit your crime. They can’t pin anything on you…. you’re already proven to be insane. Insanity is, after all, an absolutory circumstance. Your estate will be liable for civil obligations, of course, but at least you won’t go to jail.

Have fun.

Dear Magnificent Atty. Perez,

Torney, I am thank you, your so kind. It is me, you know, Maritess, from de Superprinds. Torney, I am fans of your blag. You know, you mention me in your blags, and I am a happy. Your so kind Torney, and your fans of Sarah Geronimo. I am fans of Victor Wood but I am also fans of Sarah Geronimo. She’s like Megastar, you know, Sharon. Your so kind Torney, your so kind.

You help Ging-ging Torney. You help her with the aliens. And you help her for free, you know, Torney, your so kind. Like bald man in Sparta, you know Torney, your so kind.

Please Torney, you have to help me. Hindi ko na kaya Torney. I am slave of Superprinds, please watch video Torney, slave ako nila! I am tired Torney, all day long I am a tired. Si Aquaman Torney, he’s still angry with me, because I cook the fish Attorney. You know, that’s not right! Pilipino ako Torney. I am love the fish! So, you know, I give Aquaman the hipon and the ginamos, but he still angry Attorney! He’s not from Sparta, Attorney, he’s not kind! Pero I said na man I am suri Aquaman, I am so suri!! But Aquaman, you know, he is the angry with me. He told me to clean his kubeta Attorney, pero it’s so big! Our swimming pool is kasilyas Attorney and it’s so dirty and so baho, and yuck, it has little mermaid! Thats not right Torney! It’s not right!!!

And Superman Torney, he’s a bad. He’s a bad Torney! I told him, Wag po kuya Superman wag po! I am not a Lois Lane! But… but… OH ATTORNEY HE’S A BAD!!! He’s an alien Attorney! He is not a normal.. I thought he was a normal but he’s not attorney! Iba ang pagka lalake niya! Dalawa!! And he’s a bad Attorney, he is not a kind! So, I borrow from Batman Attorney, you know, the green bato… Batman told me to play with the green bato when Superman wants to play with me. But it’s a bad also Attorney. The bato looks so nice and glow in the dark, you know, but it make Superman sick!! So you know, I kick Superman in the kuwan, you know Attorney, over there. And Superman look even more sick! And Batman was laughing and laughing!

I told Superman, I’m suri Kuya!! I’m suri!!! I will call 911 and bring you to hospital!! Pero Batman say doctor cannot heal the Superman because you know Attorney, he is the alien. But I read your blag Attorney and told him we will call the Transformers because maybe you know, they are cousins of the Batmobile and the Invisible Jet, and you know they are the alien too.

You have to help me Attorney, they make me the slave! I cannot eat the fish! And Kuya Superman Attorney, he’s so bad! But now, he’s so sick! They told me I will go to jail Attorney, but maybe Superman forgive me Attorney because he said I will go to Phantom Zone instead. I don’t like jail Attorney, so I will go to the Phantom Zone. Is that vacation Attorney?

Please help me Attorney, you are the kind.

Love,

Maritess

——————

Dear Maritess,

First of all, I have to salute you, and all the overseas workers of the Philippines. Mabuhay ang mga bagong bayani ng Pilipinas, mas higit pa po kayo sa superhero!

Also, I want to thank you Maritess for writing, dahil sa totoo lang, ako po’y fans mo rin. You are like Sarah Geronimo, a superstar! You are very famous here in the Philippines because you embody the plight of our overseas contract workers who suffer through the hardship of living in a foreign culture abroad so that they can send money back to their families and build a better future for them. My hat off to you!

Now with regard to your problem, I must tell you that employer abuse is very very serious, and in your case it is already tantamount to a human rights violation. You must never allow Superman to touch you like that without your consent. And no matter what Batman says, you must never kick Superman there either! But maybe, in your case, it was self-defense, so that might hold up in court.

I wish I could help you Maritess but my jurisdiction and superpower as a lawyer is only up until the Philippines. What I can tell you though is to go to the Philippine Embassy nearest you. You have a right as a Filipino citizen to claim asylum and refuge with our government and in turn, our government is bound to protect you from the Superfriends. I heard that the Superfriends have an international jurisdiction (as well as some extra-planetary peacekeeping rights, according to a treaty made with the Green Lantern Corps and the New Gods on Orion, called the Oa Protocol), but still, even they cannot just invade the territorial jurisdiction of the Philippine Embassy without violating international law and risking the ire of the Philippine government. Our country might declare war on the Justice League.

Also, you can ask for help from the Overseas Workers Welfare Administration (OWWA), which also offers:

Workers Assistance and On-site Services

1. Repatriation Program -

The OWWA provides and sustains assistance to all its members in all its regional and overseas offices. Services that members may avail on-site includes: locating missing OFW’s; providing information and guidance; developing materials for the Pre-Departure Orientation Seminars; conducting psycho-social counseling and conciliation services; medical and legal assistance, outreach missions, and training, among others.

On behalf of the OFW, the OWWA may provide appropriate representation with employers, agents and host authorities.

Hence, if you need to be repatriated, or sent back to the Philippines in case of abuse, just report the matter to the Philippine Embassy which in turn will contact the OWWA, and have you sent back to the Philippines, free of charge. Considering your superstar status among Filipinos, they might even send you home on a first-class trip on Philippine Airlines which will serve you all the fish, hipon and ginamos that your domestic heart could ever desire.

However, I understand that if you turn to our Philippine Embassy, you will also lose your high-paying job with the Superfriends. Perhaps, if you could make peace with Superman and Aquaman, they will send you off instead to work with the Philippine branch of the Superfriends, where you can work with our kababayan superheroes, like Darna, Captain Barbel, Mulawin, the Supertwins, Ang Panday, and former BIR Commissioner Buñag, who has now adopted the public identity of Taxman, kilabot ng magbubuhis.

In fact, there’s even a local branch of the Hall of Justice here in Mandaue City, Cebu, but it doesn’t look as impressive as the Hall of Justice where Superman, Wonder-woman and the Flash are based. Maybe they are planning to move to the Cebu International Conference Center (CICC) in the future?

My problem will be if you are not based in the Hall of Justice, but if you’re stationed in the Justice League’s orbiting space station, because I don’t think there’s a Philippine Embassy on the moon. We will have a problem repatriating you because none of our local superheroes are capable of space travel… their limit is only up until the atmosphere. Perhaps, we will have to tap the magical teleporting powers of our Engkantadas. I am friends with Enteng Kabisote and the Prinsipe ng Kahilingan. I defended Prinsipe K in a labor dispute against Ina Magenta, and we were able to acquire backwages as well as 13th month pay and service incentive leave, since Prinsipe K’s labor benefits haven’t been paid since 1963. So you can imagine how much backwages he is entitled to, pursuant to the ruling of Agabon vs. NLRC (G.R. No. 158693, November 17, 2004).

I hope you are safe and protected from the Superfriends, Maritess, and I pray that this blog entry does not reach you after you have been sent to the Phantom Zone. Trust me, that is NOT a vacation. You don’t want to go there. It is much worse than jail.

More power to you Maritess, and hold your head up high, my fellow Filipino. Ikaw ang bagong super bayani ng Pilipinas!

Sincerely,

the Magnificent Atty. Perez

P.S.  I would like to cite the blog of someone passionate about OFW empowerment.  Please do read it.